This book’s for the women who have uttered the words “this ain’t even about you!” in reference to the man in her lives. You are baffled by his belief that your world revolves around him. This book is also for men who can’t fathom that your girlfriend, fiancee, or wife actually does things that have LITTLE OR NOTHING to do with you. You know how much you mean to her—how she has often sacrificed her own desires for yours. So, when she attempts anything that does not involve you, you’re stumped. Finally, this books has something in it for couples who get the madness of trying to negotiate a relationship where you both have conflicting ideas about what that looks like. I hope that you will find something redeeming perhaps, life transforming in this small journey we’ll take together.
What had happened Was”
One day Micha, my daughter, and I were talking about her boyfriend. She was telling me how he was upset about her wanting to hang out with her friends instead of with him. She was so frustrated trying to get him to see that there was not a real conflict; that she could hang out with them on one day and him the next. As she shared with me her frustration, we both, in a moment of female clarity and sisterhood, looked at each other and in unison we said, “this ain’t even about you!” We immediately said, “that should be a book!” So, here it is.
Have you ever uttered the words “This ain’t about you”? Man, ain’t nothing more frustrating than trying to get a self centered male to get this very simple concept. All he can see and hear is what he wants. No matter how you explain (if you’re the explaining type) he can’t get it. Or, should I say, he won’t—meaning don’t want to—get it. The reason for this, guys, is that he has never had to. And because he has been conditioned to think that you will adjust your life to accommodate his, “Why should he?” The irony is that you have always adjusted your life to accommodate his, so he’s just doing what he’s always done. And in his mind, you’re changing the rules in the middle of the game, and everybody knows you can’t do that. Let’s digress a minute and examine what you’ve (women) done to help create this self-absorbed monster:
You stop going out with our girlfriends when you started dating him; you defied your parents and friends to go out with him, you changed your routines for lunch with your colleagues; switched your career paths; changed faith focuses and perhaps your opinion about faith, pretended to be slower—not as smart– as you really are, and a whole load of other self-interest behaviors just to be in the relationship with him. Hmm, now granted, living in a male dominated society has reinforced the self-sacrificing female/self-centered male scenario. So there’s little wonder that you have to exclaim “This ain’t about you” when you attempt to do any thing that does not involve him. So, in this little book, I’m going to share with you my theories about how we go here. Then I will offer you a few ideas on how to turn around this way-out-of-control, run-away-train we call the female and male relationship.
First
I have been suspicious of the “system’s “ way of dealing with girls and boys/men and women for a long time. First, I grew up with two older brothers, and I never agreed with the privileges that they got that I didn’t get. So, I began devising a gender theory very early in life. Now, as a mature baby boomer, with experience with boys besides by brothers, I can now confirm that the system has screwed up both men and women. Both men and women over-value men and under-value women. What has happened is that men think that they are God’s gift to women and women think that they are God’s curse to us all. Of course this is an exaggeration, but you get my point. Okay, I’ll unpack it:
Men think that they are God’s gift to the earth
Men think that women are God’s gift to them
Women think that they are God’s gift to men
Men and women think that women are cursed
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